


take me as i am

by wingwinist



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, M/M, fluff if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:08:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21938914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingwinist/pseuds/wingwinist
Summary: renjun thinks the weather is affecting his mood or maybe his mood is affecting the weather. he’s not sure of anything anymore. renjun stares out the window as he’s cuddled up on the chair drinking what seems to be his 3rd glass of wine (a very cheap one that he got as a Christmas gift from his new uni friends). he watches the snow that’s starting to fall and wondering if it’s snowing too where he is. ‘this is absolutely devasting’ renjun thinks, as he’s taking another sip from his wine glass and taking pity on himself for the hundredth time that day. this is how renjun is spending his last Christmas eve of the decade
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	take me as i am

**Author's Note:**

> italic means its a flashback of sorts

renjun thinks the weather is affecting his mood or maybe his mood is affecting the weather. he’s not sure of anything anymore. it’s been 3 months since he moved out of the country to study and what’s supposed to be an amazing experience has had a rocky start. renjun stares out the window as he’s cuddled up on the chair drinking what seems to be his 3rd glass of wine (a very cheap one that he got as a Christmas gift from his new uni friends). he watches the snow that’s starting to fall and wondering if it’s snowing too where he is. ‘this is absolutely devasting’ renjun thinks, as he’s taking another sip from his wine glass and taking pity on himself for the hundredth time that day. this is how renjun is spending his last Christmas eve of the decade. he starts to get tipsy and overthink as he does best. renjun was supposed to spend Christmas in a totally different way but life is unpredictable and he can’t always control how it goes. or maybe, he could’ve controlled how it goes, if he put a bit more effort.

_‘baby, I’m booking my flight to see you on Christmas. when do you think I should come in? like a day or 2 days before Christmas?’ jeno shouts from the couch in the living room. renjun, who’s packing his things in his room, pops his head out the door ‘I don’t know? maybe surprise me?’ he answers and jeno giggles in his seat, absolutely giddy thinking about spending Christmas with just renjun this year in a foreign country._

renjun starts to think about when and how it went wrong ‘maybe it’s the lack of communication’ renjun thinks. ‘but it all went down too fast. I really thought we’d last longer than that’ he rebuts himself. renjun is getting dizzy now, by his inner monologue. he pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares at the last text he sent jeno. he’s been reading their last conversation almost everyday since it happened and renjun knows its unhealthy but some how he can’t bring himself to stop.

his finger hovers over the keypad, wanting to type something. anything. 

but he knows he’s run of things he can say.

he puts down his phone and sighs. he does know what he wants to say to jeno but he feels like the moment to say it has passed. it’s been almost a month since they broke up and he’s nowhere near over it. he closes his eyes and thinks about how horrible it is that they broke up over text. text! the boy he’s been in love with for 3 years broke up with him over text! these thoughts have been repeating in his mind like a broken record for months because he can’t seem to wrap his head around it. he picks up his phone again and opens Instagram to see the same story hes seen 10 times that same day. pictures of jeno having an early Christmas dinner with their friends. renjun can’t help but stare at those pictures and feeling an ache in his chest. jeno has a big smile plastered on his face. how is it fair that jeno gets to smile when he’s feeling miserable? renjun downs his whole glass of wine thinking about how the love that he’s craving is getting further away the more that he wants it.

renjun thinks he knows what he wants to say to jeno, but these thoughts only come up when he’s drunk. he has these words written in his notes, just waiting for him to drunkenly copy and paste it and send them to jeno. ‘why don’t you come back? I need a love that’s unconditional, why don’t you try to understand?’ you said once that our love is unconditional so why don’t you take me as I am?’ the note reads. 

_renjun and jeno were lying on the bed just holding hands and staring at the ceiling. the streetlight from out the window being the only source of light in the room. ‘is it going to be different?’ renjun broke the silence. his thumb drawing circles at the back of jeno’s hand. jeno turned to face renjun ‘what is?’ he questioned back. ‘when I move? will it be different?’ renjun also moved to face his boyfriend. ‘I mean, we’ve never spent time apart from each other for longer than 2 weeks for the past few years and I remember those 2 weeks was a nightmare. and this is going to be 4 months until we get to see each other’ jeno moves renjun’s hair out of his eyes and starts caressing his cheek. ‘I don’t think you have to worry about that, baby. we can do it, I know we can! you don’t have to worry about us and besides, there’s such a thing as facetime or skype. baby I can see you every day’ renjun leans into jeno’s touch and jeno can’t help but kiss his nose ‘you don’t have to worry. I’m absolutely in love with you if you haven’t noticed’ jeno laughs. ‘I love you unconditionally and I won’t let you forget that’ renjun buries his face in jeno’s neck at that and they stay like that until the morning._

that moment plays in renjun’s head over and over again and he’s sick of it. jeno’s words replaying in his mind making him angry, sad and guilty at the same time. angry because jeno didn’t keep his word, sad because he misses moments like that so much and guilty because he can’t blame it all on jeno. he knows that its partly his fault and maybe that’s what breaks him again and again all the time. he let the best thing that’s ever happen to him slip away. and maybe because they never had a proper closure. things ended so badly that it was barely an end.

_it was about a month after renjun’s settled in his new university and he has collectively answered jeno’s calls 4 times and only answers in one sentence text long after jeno has gone to bed. jeno’s been understanding. he understood that the first month is so hectic and that he probably can’t spend too much time on his phone. but jeno missed his boyfriend so bad. jeno tried to text renjun at a time he knows renjun is free.  
jeno: hey how you doing baby? how were classes today? I miss you  
renjun: it was fine  
renjun: miss u 2  
jeno: wyd tonight?  
renjun: studying  
jeno: can I call you? or are you busy?  
renjun: busy  
jeno: oh okay  
jeno: I’ll let you get back to ur studying. love you so much  
renjun: ok luv u_

_jeno sighs reading their conversation. ‘another unsuccessful day of trying to call renjun’ jeno thinks. he cleared up his whole night thinking that this might be his shot so now he’s bored out of his mind. jeno opened his Instagram and saw renjun posted a story and his heart sank. it was a video of renjun, obviously tipsy, trying to reach out for his phone that’s being held by the person filming the video. renjun was surrounded by his new friends and they look like they were celebrating something. the 5 second video ended and jeno sat in his chair, unable to think. ‘why would he say he’s busy studying when he’s out? drinking with other people?’ so many things ran through his mind and he doesn’t know when but he started crying. jeno thinks he has to confront renjun about this. he has to. but not tonight, not when he’s clearly not sober. jeno then spent his night crying over his boyfriend, who he genuinely believes forgot about him, whos a million miles away from him, hoping that tomorrow’s conversation goes well._

_the conversation did not go well. jeno finally got renjun on the phone after much begging and when renjun picked up, he sounded grumpy but jeno didn’t beat around the bush and asked renjun straight away ‘why are you avoiding me?’ renjun was quick to reply ‘im not. what are you talking about?’ jeno tries again ‘you’ve been clearly avoiding me. never calling me back. not answering my texts and even when you do its all so half-assed’ then renjun said something he should probably never have said ‘im sorry you’re so fucking clingy that me not answering your text every 5 seconds is considered “avoiding” you’ the line at the other end went silent. renjun realised what he said and apologised but he heard sniffles from jeno’s end. jeno finally replied with an its okay and then hung up. renjun in a state of panic then texted, no he spamed jeno to say hes sorry again and he didn’t mean any of that but jeno never replied. for the next two days, the roles were reversed. renjun keeps texting jeno but jeno’s giving him radio silence. but then when jeno did reply, he said ‘I think its best if we take a break right now’_

and that was the last jeno has texted him. maybe renjun deserves it. being left alone on Christmas. ‘I drank so much tonight’ he thinks to himself as he sees the almost empty bottle of wine on the table. he doesn’t know why but he kind of wished jeno would still come visit him since he bought his tickets so early in the year. but looks like his wish isn’t coming true as the clock strikes 12. he stares out his window, looking at the snow and decides to send a text to jeno.

renjun: why don’t you come back? 

renjun wakes up with a headache and his phone in his hands. he gets up and gets a glass of water then goes to check his phone. he unlocks it and saw it was open to the text he sent jeno last night. ‘shit fuck I forgot about his. oh my god this is embarrassing’ he saw jeno read his text but didn’t reply. renjun paces around his room thinking about if he should send a text to apologise or just leave it but while he’s busy panicking, he hears a knock on his door. he wonders who would come visit him so early on Christmas morning. all his friends here have plans already and he already planned on wallowing in his own misery the whole day. renjun almost had a heart attack when he opens his door and sees jeno with a luggage bag, face a little puffy. maybe from the flight or maybe from something else renjun doesn’t want to think about.

‘you said you wanted me to surprise you’ jeno says so softly. it’s almost a whisper.

renjun didn’t realise he was crying until jeno wipes his tears using his sleeves. renjun is speechless and all he wants to do is kiss jeno but he doesn’t know if he can do that. jeno beat him to it when he pulled renjun into a hug and kissed him softly. ‘I missed you’ he whispered over his lips. renjun realises jeno is also crying as they hugged each other so tight in the hallway infront of renjun’s door. ‘maybe we should go inside’ renjun words come out muffled as his face is tucked away in the warmth of jeno’s hug. they finally let each other go to go inside but not before really looking at each other for the first time. ‘what does this mean?’ renjun asks with his trembling lips. jeno sniffles and shrugs ‘I don’t know but we’ll figure it out’.

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to take me as i am by rumer while driving back home and i had an idea lol. anyway i hope you had a better christmas eve than renjun. happy holidays!


End file.
